Relationsh*t

Things change when you get married or start living with your significant other.  Small things. Things that didn’t bother you before now glare at you like you are in a showcase showdown for the prize that includes the car and vacation.  My husband got messier when we moved in together.  His excuse? I used to call when I was outside so he could let me in the building.  This gave him a good 30 seconds of picking up all the clothes off the floor and putting his dishes in the sink.  I used to think. Wow, I am so lucky to have a guy who is so neat and clean. Once he even foam-cleaned the couch.  I thought, this is awesome. I have found some one who is as clean as me. 

Wrong.

We moved into a 2 bedroom place so he could have an office since he mainly works from home.  Before, his desk was in his bedroom so there was no room to be messy. Now, he has his own space to stretch out and it. is. scary.  It’s amazing how much shit he can amass in 2 days, from coke cans to McDonald’s bags, to Chinese food caked on a plate.  The glasses with coke sit for so long the coke actually becomes a syrup.  It will turn you off from soda my friends. 

And now with no desk in the bedroom the clothes pile up.  It amazes me. The hamper is literally 4 feet away in the closet.  How can he not manage to get the clothes in there??

How did this happen so quickly?  And why didn’t I see it coming?  I now find myself in my own imaginary stand-off with the shoes on the floor, and glasses of gin and tonic on the coffee table.  I never win.  I crumble under the pressure of someone showing up unexpectedly and seeing our mess. 

I will say when it’s time to clean up for the cleaning ladies, he does a great job.  He also irons his own clothes, which is one of my most hated chores. 

Update: I wrote this a while ago and we have since moved into a bigger place and my husband no longer works from home.  Things have changed in the following ways:

• The coke cans/glasses now amass on the bedside table.
• Now that the hamper is in the bedroom and not the closet, he leaves all his clothes on the floor in the closet.
• I still lose in ALL standoffs with said glasses and stray clothing.

Listen to Your Elders

I got that book Shi*t my Dad Says for my Dad last year.  He loved it.  My mom told me about how he was just sitting there laughing for hours.  I follow him on twitter and love him.  Sometimes I think, "I could start a twitter account for all the things my parents say," but I usually forget all the funny things.  There are a few nuggets I have picked up along the way I have managed to remember.

On self esteem: 
"I used to think everyone was crazy and a little weird, but I have come to realize that I'm the one that's weird and everyone else is kind of boring, and I'm ok with that."

On drinking responsibly:
From a friend's Mom, "I want you girls to be careful tonight. It's important to know your limits when drinking.  For example, I know it's time to stop when I can't feel my lips."

On settling conflict:
My Dad's first response, "What happened? Who hurt you? Do you want me to go kick his a**? Oh, a girl? Do you want me to go kick her a**?

On being a cougar:
My Mom once said to the 14 year old neighbor, "Wow, those are some big guns you got there. Have you been working out?" The best part is she thought this was completely appropriate.

On parking:
"As long as one wheel is in the the line, you're good."

On home improvement:
"If it can't be fixed with WD40, a hammer or duct tape, it's not getting fixed."

I have a feeling this will become a recurring post with new little catch phrases now that i have a good reason to remember them so stay tuned!  I never know what will come out of a visit to my parents house and I can't make this up!

Sometimes I wonder...

Sometimes I wonder what kind of crazy sh*it the people who work in convenience stores must encounter on a daily basis.  There is a 7-Eleven across the street from my building and it is in a building that is a retirement home. So it seems that an outing to this store is a “big day” for many of its residents.
One time I saw a man with a wheel chair (yes, I said with, not in) wearing a t-shirt, boxers, and what looked like small down pillows strapped to his feet with black socks.  He was scampering this way and that picking up one item at a time and having the cashier ring it up and tell him his total.  Apparently he was trying to reach a magical number.

 He was wearing these, the be exact, but add black socks.  How else would you describe it than pillow strapped to your feet?

As that was going on, an elderly woman, in a Juicy Couture track suit was trying to check out with the Asian cashier and just could not understand what the cashier was saying.  She was shorting the cashier like $2, and the poor cashier got so frustrated she just said, Thank you.

Imagine her...

In this!!! Oh dear. 

Then I get to the front of the line with: a box of tampons, Tylenol PM and a tub of Ben and Jerry’s.  What must they have been thinking with my basket of goodies?  To be honest, I didn’t care.  As a left the store, there were some kids outside who were looking to get someone to buy them beer.  I think they saw my purchase and decided against asking the hormone raging woman in her “I have PMS and a Gun. Did you have something to say?” t-shirt.  Kidding, I do not own a shirt that says that I own the key chain and you'd know that if you’ve read my post about T-shirts. Any crazy convenience store stories you want to share?

Why I should race cars

I have what some might call a questionable driving record, but in my opinion, its just bad luck.
Tickets: I have received one speeding ticket. I was 17 and on my way home from a college visit with my Mom when I was pulled over for going 87 in a 70 driving a white Plymouth Grand Voyager in the middle of Kentucky.  As the flashers came on, I started to curse, waking my mom in the passenger seat. The cop seemed a little disturbed that my mother was with me, but he had no problem writing the ticket. My parents paid the ticket and told me it was my one "get out of jail free" pass.

White Lighting

Not everyone has such an uneventful ticketing story.  One of my friends got pulled over in college and was so flustered she gave the cop her library card and health insurance card.  He gave her a warning.  Another friend called her mom before the cop even got to her window and was crying and heaving so much, she got a warning and the cop made someone else drive. 

Wrecks:

I have been in 3 wrecks and totaled one car, but never deployed the airbag, called an ambulance or paid a dime. Ok, so maybe that's good luck. You decide. Here we go:

Wreck 1: May 2007 - Returning to work from lunch I was crossing over a bridge with a concrete wall. A landscaping truck carrying mulch started to drift into my lane and hit my drivers side door as soon as we got off the bridge.  Apparently he didn't see me.  Yes, I said it was a mulch truck, which usually causes people to immediately think of this scene in Back to the Future. 

Biff gets in a wreck

I assure you, it was not like this. The mulch was piled in bags, but there was spillage. Because I have never used Microsoft Paint before, I have illustrated a picture.  

My car was not totaled, but it took a good 45 days to get it fixed, and just wasn't the same after that.

Wreck 2: Fast forward 11 months, April 2008.  I was living in a new area and my Mom and her friends had come to visit.  While they were enjoying the sights of the city, I decide to leave work early.  I called my Mom to see where she was. At a museum of course, and while she was talking , I interrupted with a "SSSHHHH*TTTTT. I gotta go Mom, I just hit a bus."  Talking on the phone whilst driving apparently is NOT a best practice.  I wasn't paying attention and next thing you know,  BAM.  Needless to say she got very upset when I said I hit a bus and called me back 30 seconds later saying, "We're in a cab, we're coming to get you!"  Mom to the rescue!  I told her I was fine, I had to deal with this then I would come meet them.   My car had slid right under the back of the bus actually lifting it up.  My car looked like hell, but the bus was fine.

I have never seen people unload off a bus like they did after I hit it. But they all seemed hell bent on NOT staying to give a statement.  Since I hit a city vehicle, we had to wait for the authorities. So for 2 hours it was me, my boss, who came to sit with me since I was near my office, and the driver.  We had to sit on the bus since it was raining. I got to know Maurice quite well in those 2 hours which proved beneficial for me.  When the police arrived he explained that it had just started raining and my tires just didn't react fast enough; not at fault!! Thank you Maruice! Every time I would see him on his route near my office he would wave. 

Again, I have created a picture! 

Wreck 3: May 2008, I got a good amount of money for my little red car.  So 2 weeks later, I became a real live adult and bought a car.  I was so proud, I had gotten approved for a loan, done my research, and decided on what I wanted.  Not only was I living away from my parents, but I had bought a car without their help (emotionally, not financially... don't judge). I left work early to go get the emissions test on my car.  Just so you get the idea of how new the car was, I was still driving around with temporary tags.  5 minutes into my drive, I got stuck in traffic. I was the last car to get through a light in a long line of traffic.  As I looked through my rear view mirror I saw I HUGE truck barreling down the road. Why was he going so fast?  Can he not see that no one is moving and the light is still red? He could not and did not.  I saw him getting closer so I put my 2 feet on the brake, grabbed the steering wheel with two hand, closed my eyes and clenched my jaw.  BOOM!  He hit me.  Hard. 

I did not panic. I retrieved all my insurance information, drivers license, etc. I was a pro at this by now.  The last thing I wanted to do was wait for the police to come an assess the scene. And based on the reaction of the 2 passengers in the moving truck, I got the feeling they weren't actually in this country legally. I was beginning to loose my cool and needed to leave. So even though my back bumper was essentially in the trunk, I drove back to work.  I needed a place to calm down before I drove the 20 miles to get home.  I called my husband, my then boyfriend, and as soon as I heard his voice I broke down.  He was 2 hours away playing golf with his company.  I said, "I'm ok. The car is not." He took off from the 4th hole and came straight home to meet me. What a guy?!  Another illustration for your viewing pleasure. 

Again, my boss was there to help. She said, "Here, take this Valium. I don't want you driving while your all hysterical." I know that might sound a little backwards, who drives on Valium? Well, it worked for me. 

So let's summarize this, a speeding ticket with my mom in the car and wrecks with a mulch truck, metro bus and moving truck.  Bring it on Nascar, you can't scare me with your 2 axles and your non-diesel engines.

A Review of Bridesmaids

I saw the movie Bridesmaids this weekend.  I had talked about how I excited I was last week  to see it, but due to my limited pool of female friends, I dragged my husband to go with me.  As we approached the entrance to the theater, I saw hoards of women old, young, fat, skinny, etc.  I began to dread making that turn to see who all is in the theater, thinking I was the only one bringing a guy and how out of place he would feel. . In my panicked state, I just started praising my husband, “I just want you to know how much I appreciate you coming to this movie with me, even though it might be kind of a chick movie.  I promise to see whatever it is you want to see next (He wants to see Cowboys vs. Aliens – not happening).  But I just really want to thank you.”

As we rounded the corner I was pleasantly surprised, the men brought it!  Way to go dudes, for taking your girl to a girl movie. 

Now on to my thoughts, although the main characters where female, this was no chick flick.  It was raunchy, funny, and sexually explicit, things most men seem to look for in a movie.  I laughed a lot.  I mean a whole lot. 

Now on to the negatives; at one point in the movie, I thought, where is this going? I thought a plot line was developing in one direction, but it didn’t, then I thought something else was going to happen and it didn’t.  Fortunately, a plot did surface and everything was wrapped up nicely in a bow at the end.  I won't got into any further detail as not to ruin it for anyone!  All in all, I give it an A-.  But who the hell am I to grade a movie?

Just because

Just because it's awesome; go to this link to see dogs in slippers. Smile, laugh, then get the hell back to work!

What’s in a name?

I have a “normal” name. As in, I had the experience in school where I had to go by my first name and last initial because someone else in my class had the same name and I hated that! Anyway, now that I am married, I now have a common first and last name. I have to say, I am fine with it. More and more you hear about celebrities naming their children strange names like Apple, Bear, and Pilot Inspektor – I’m looking at you Jason Lee.  My view is, to each his own, BUT… may I suggest creating a focus group of 7-12 year olds to come up with nicknames for your future children.  I made the mistake of telling my husband that I liked the name Lake.  He immediately went off on a tangent about how boys would say, “Take a dip in the Lake,” and something about dropping an anchor. Enough said, I took that name off the imaginary table for our imaginary kids.  So apparently my husband could be in the focus group too!  But I just don’t think parents think enough about nicknames when coming up with a formal name for their children.  This is serious business people. 

I have come across a few very hilarious names that are just funny on their own, no need to even come up with a nickname. For example:

• Draper Lovelady
• Bettina Batista
• Valda Valbrum
• Brown Johnson
• My personal favorite: Kiffen Butz

Then there are those repetitive and word-play names.  For the women, I sympathize that you were committed enough to change your name for your husband and are now

• Candy Pear
• Holly Day
• Robin Robinson
• Holly Holiday 

It takes a very confident woman to do that. 

For men, get a court order and change your name because I cannot take you serious if your name is

• John Johnson
• Steve Stevenson
• Harris Harrison
• Robert Robertson

Then there are the common names with uncommon spellings. This will just make your offspring’s life a living hell have to spell their name for the rest of their LIFE.

• Kamryn – It’s Cameron.
• Alyson – We all know it’s usually Alison or Allison – stick with one of those.
• Brittany – the most accepted spelling, but there is Brittni/Britney/Britny/Britnee – Why are there so many options??  It all sounds the SAME!!!
• Kemystri – a. I know this isn’t common, but I’ve actually come across this name b. this should never be a name. c. It’s Chemistry.
• Don’t even get me started on Megan.   

Use this post as a Public Service Announcement and think about it before you go naming your child  Russell Nail, aka Rusty Nail.


**All of these names are real. I can't make this up.  Any names you want to share?

Going to Grandma's House

Before my family made the move to Tennessee when I was 10, I used to live about 45 minutes from my Grandma so I used to see her all the time.  I loved my weekends at my Grams. She is an adorable 4 foot 9 inch Italian woman who until recently drove a teal Dodge Shadow with pillows so she could see over the steering wheel. She is also truly one of my very favorite people in the world. The older I get the more I realize my mom is like her in being able to talk to anyone and in turn I have become the same. Side note – at the age of 90, she attended my second cousin’s wedding. At the very large reception we were all mingling and lost track of her. 10 minutes later we found her on the dance floor with one of the friends of the groom just cutting a rug. She had no idea who she was dancing with; she just knew she was having fun!
She has lived in the same house since about 1948. It was new when she moved in and I suspect it hasn’t changed much. There are bright yellow tiles on the kitchen wall to match the yellow counter tops. The bathroom is pale blue with a blue toilet and sink, and the entire upstairs looks like something for a Mad Men episode. I remember spending weekend there and playing with my older cousins 1970s toys. Those same toys are now being used by my cousins’ children. Time just stands still in that little green Cape Cod! To prove it, I have a picture. I was there recently for an overnight stay and opened a dresser drawer to find this.

To be more specific there was:

• Girl Scout Handbook, given to my Aunt in 1955, 
• How to do Everything book from 1941 that has a list price of 10 cents. To iterate this, I don’t even know WHERE the cent sign is on a computer. Do I have to go under insert symbols? No Clue. Anyway, the book teaches the modern woman all of today’s must-know skills of decoupage, knitting and pattern-making. 
• And finally, yes, that is what you think it is, a newspaper from when we landed on the moon, 1969 ya’ll. 1969. So old, the pictures of the astronauts aren’t even photos, but drawings. 

I thought about taking the stuff and going to Vegas to meet this guy and get an appearance on Pawn Stars, but I decided against it.

Chumly from Pawn Stars

The Maids

I cannot WAIT to see the Bridesmaids movie!  If you are on the fence, you must watch the restricted trailer!! Hilarious! I have only been a bridesmaid once, (note to self, make more friends immediately) but I can imagine the bickering (sp?) between women can definitely get out of hand.  PS. I hope to one day own a hideous bridesmaids dress like the ones in the movie. Maybe something like this:

Oh the stories I would be able to tell! 

Adventures on the open road

When you drive to work everyday, you see things that make you laugh, make you rage, and make you wonder.  Recently, I saw this on the road.

 

What is this? It looks like a vehicular diaper.  It also seems a little unsafe.  

I also keep seeing the same teal Dodge Stratus with a bumper sticker that says, "If you're going to ride my ass, at least pull my hair."  Trash, I know.  Then I drove to New Jersey last week, which takes a few hours.  FYI... Maryland cops don't joke around.  They pull everyone over for speeding, so keep it under 75 when you're there. Anyway, as I was passing a car that was pulled over I saw a little Pomeranian on the rear windowsill barking his head off at the police car! His aggression towards the cop spoke volumes.

But, the thing I hate most, for no particular reason is the stick figure family sticker on cars!  It's just lame, especially when they have a sticker for the hamster and fish.  Someone posted this on Facebook.  

That's just sad. 

T- Shirts

I love t-shirt with funny sayings.  I got my brother a shirt that says Vandelay Industries, purveyor of fine latex, importing and exporting.  If you don’t get it, watch more Seinfeld.  I doubt he wears it out of the house, but it was worth a laugh.  It seems to me that only weird quirky people actually integrate these shirts into their everyday wardrobe.  I have come across a few interesting shirts and people recently. 

Yesterday, I was at one of my favorite kebab places and saw this shirt.

I must clarify, the kebab place is actually called Meat in a Box, cue “D*ck in a box” music now.  I have only recently found this place so I am not sure which came first, the restaurant or the song. 

Today, I was in a meeting with a programmer that works for my company.  For a variety or reasons, he works from home.  I have a feeling one of them is because of his wardrobe choices.  Today’s t-shirt read, “My zombie kicked your vampire’s ass.”  Not to be confused with other shirts he has worn to meetings including “I’m with Stoopid” and F*ck you, I have enough friends.”  PS The owner, CEO and COO were all in attendance for this meeting. Awkward!

You gotta know when to fold 'em

So a friend of mine had an “incident” the other day that I just have to share. So she was wearing one of those jersey dresses that cling to you. So we as women have 3 options when wearing said outfit; a slip – this makes me feel like I’m 80, no panties – hello jiggles, or ridiculously large panties. She chose option 3.
Forgetting that she had done this, she made an appointment for a massage. Once at the place, she undressed and got on the table face down, leaving her unusually large panties on. (It was her first time at this place so she played it safe and kept them on. I would have done the same.)
The masseuse entered and began the massage. As she lay face down on the table beginning to relax, the masseuse turned down the sheet to reveal the panties then said, “I’m just going to fold these down.” Yes, the practical and comfortable choice in panties caused a hindrance to the massage. And worse, the masseuse was a young man in his 20s!!
All I could think while she told this story is the scene in Bridget Jones’s Diary when she wears the big panties then hooks up with Hugh Grant and he says “F*ck me those are enormous panties!” I couldn’t find a clip of that part, but here is the trailer, and the panties make their debut at the 32 second mark.

Company Morale

I am a marketing manager at an educational company and I have to be honest; I love my job. I love being in the education sector and I love that our product helps students succeed in school. That being said, every office has its own drawbacks, and mine is no exception. I could go on and on about the ridiculous things that happen every day, because yes, everyone gets frustrated at their job. But instead I will use the below picture. This is what you seen when you enter my building.

If they expect anyone to be excited about their job and enthusiastic to perform, they are going to have to do a little better than this. My husband’s office has carrera marble floors and a lounge with couches and flat screens and videos games. We have an elevator with an expired permit because there is no emergency phone and a Christmas tree that has been up since November.

The curse of long term relationships

Have you noticed older couples start to look alike as they age, or just couples who look the same. I have and I just hope my husband and I don't become like these poor folks I saw at the St. Louis Airport.

Yes, that is a man on the left. All I have to say is, Nice Shoes.

Your Mom is on Facebook, Literally

Remember the days of Facebook when all the pictures you had up on your page were keg stands, beer pong, and late nigh shenanigans, perhaps you standing at the drive thru of a Krystals at 3AM, or as my college experience went; high as a kite eating peanut butter out of a jar? Well my friends, it is time to admit these days are no more. Yes, I am sad to see them go but the college student exclusivity is gone and your 12 year old cousin, mother, great aunt, boss and anyone else on FB can see you! It seems like this fact has escaped a few people I have come across recently. Here are a few examples:

Who’s that voice at the end of the line?
I ordered custom mouse pads for my company and was immediately emailed by their graphics department. After a brief phone call between my graphic artist and theirs we became curious and FB'd him. We were not prepared. The photo that showed up was a man wearing.... wait for it.... a black leather vest with straps and chains across his bare chest, and black leather chaps. This is not the mental picture I want to have every time I place an order.

Hey I heard we got a new guy…
I work with a lovely young guy who recently quit moving to a higher paying job. Good for him! This was his first job out of college and he was grossly underpaid. BUT, when he made the announcement on FB and opened himself up to all the new people he will be working with, his profile picture was him drinking out of a trophy cup, to be followed by a profile picture of him in a snuggie doing a keg stand the following day.

Then there is MY mom, who IS actually on FB and doesn’t realize how it all works. So she sent me this little gem on my wall, not realizing a message and writing on someone’s wall is different.

MH : Hi Snoogie-poo? How are you honeychild? Staying warm? It's in the teens here and snowing. That won't stop us though we are making ice cream tonight!!! - with the new ice cream maker, thank you very much. What kind of ice cream you are wondering m-m-m lick your lips pumpkin:)

Bottom line, my mom is on FB and your mom probably is too. The fun is over.

The First Anniversary Cake

So they say you are supposed to save the top tier of your cake in the freezer and eat it on your first anniversary. Why would you want to save your cake? I don’t really get it. I also don’t really like cake. We served Bananas Foster at our wedding so we had a small cake for pictures and the cake cutting. Of course we saved it. I do see the sentimental value of it all. So it went into my parents’ freezer since the wedding was in Tennessee and we live in the DC area.
A month before our first anniversary I was home for a visit. My mom asked me if I wanted the wedding cake. I said no assuming she understood I didn’t want to take a frozen cake on an airplane back to DC then have to freeze it again. I don’t think it would have handled the trip. I could imagine the fondant melting and butter cream oozing onto someone’s jacket in the overhead compartment.
Well our anniversary rolls around and we went on a trip. I called my parents when we got home just to check in and my mom says, “You know your wedding cake really held up in the freezer. It tasted delicious.” WHAT? My mom ate the cake. But why? “You said you didn’t want it.”
I said I didn’t want to fly home with a frozen cake on my lap for 2 hours. Not that I didn’t want it period. We’re going to be in town in 2 weeks. We could have had it then. “Oh, well I didn’t know that. We’ll just have Lisa make you another one. But honey, I am telling you, it was fantastic. I had a few bites then threw it away.”
You threw it away?? I felt like Ross Gellehar from Friends when someone eats his thanksgiving left-over sandwich and throws most of it out. You threw my wedding cake away? So instead we ended up buying cupcakes and saying Happy Anniversary!

Why am I here?

Several people have mentioned that I should start a blog just because of the plain ridiculousness that I seem to encounter on a daily basis.  Wrong place, wrong time- perpetually; or is it the right place? You decide.  Mind you, I have stories stocked up that seem unreal, and a lot of times I find myself saying, “No, this really happened! I can’t make this shit up. I’m not that creative.” 

I just hope I can creatively articulate said stories and encounters so you will get a little of enjoyment out of your day.

So, a little bit about me.  I was born in New Jersey, moved to Tennessee when I was 10 so you could consider me a blend of northern roots and southern manners. 

One older brother: Not so much the protective type.  More like pinned me down and spit in my face only to suck it up at the last second type of brother.  He called me fatty, called me lampshade (I have thick hair, ok?) and every other name in the book, so did his friends.  Now that we haven’t lived in the same state for 13 years, we get along swimmingly.  His constant sarcasm, storytelling abilities and self-deprecation are endearing.  We talk to each other often and ask for each other’s advice.  I also married one of his best friends.

My husband:  The best friend I will ever have.  He is my biggest fan and I am his. Our childhoods couldn’t have been more different, but we still have the same values and want the same things out of life.  How I ended up someone so wonderful is beyond me.

My parents: Still married, in love, best friends, and hilarious.  I want to be like them when I grow-up.

My Friends: We go way back. I’ve lost a few along the way, picked up a few too. But I have to say they are the friends you always feel connected to.  We can always pick up where we left off.  I love them dearly and would do anything to support or protect them.