Company Morale - Part II

I talked about company morale in a previous post, but want to return to it just to iterate how my company has previously operated. (It's now under new management.)  First off, the plant from my previous post has since been adopted by our new COO, a master gardener, and will come back when she is pretty again.  The new COO has all kinds of plans for this place and I'm really excited to see what happens. 
Let's go back.  My office moved last year into a building that was vacant for at least 3 years.  One floor (my floor) was used as a Greek Church. From my desk I can see 15 sprinklers since they liked to use candles, a lot.  One floor was raided by the FBI for suspicion of terrorism because it was the headquarters of some Islamic non-profit. (Yes, this building seems to have been its own United Nations in it's heyday.) The entire floor was trashed with papers, food, pictures... gross.  Of course it has been completely re carpeted, painted, etc. but there are remnants, like the ugly ass yellow tile bathrooms. 
That's the new place. Now let's talk about the old place: Great location, shitty building.  Our parking lot was half covered by an overhang of the building. Consequently, we acquired a  homeless man.  He wasn't just a weirdo old homeless man either. He was younger, 20s or 30s, and only slept there, and occasionally smoked cigs with other employees.  One day, as I was walking to Starbucks, he told me I had pretty hair.  So he was ok in my book.  But let's discuss the fact that he used one of our recycling bins as a locker for all his stuff.  Or the fact that one of my co-workers saw him peeing in the parking lot one morning and he seemed to think it was ok since he was, "Aiming for the pile of leaves."

Here's a better view of his crib.  You can see he had become quite comfortable.  He had his reading materials, highlighters, etc.  The blue bin on the left was his "day-locker."  While I felt bad for him, there were pleny of shelters around the city he could go to.  So what was management's response? 

They hung about 15 of these around the outside of the building. Classy. It says, come in, let us sell you our educational products.  As I'm sure you can guess, this didn't work.  I wonder what happened to him since we have moved. I drive by the old building, which is now empty since developers are going to knock it down, and see no sign of the homeless man but the signs are still up.  And now that the building is actually empty, makes a lot of sense.

Busy Bee

I've been a bust bee these past few days and haven't been able to write any posts, but I've got some great ones in my head!!  Just to appease you for a while here's one of my all time favorite SNL videos.




If you watch any of the Real Houswives, you get this!  Hilarious.

My Teefs, Toofs, Teeth

Dentally, I have been relatively lucky.  I never wore braces on my bottom teeth and only had braces on the top for a few months.  I decided to be all sly about it and get “clear” braces.  They were not so clear and I found that out a few hours after getting them when I ate an orange and ended up picking orange pulp out of them for a week. They also became orange tinted for a while. 

 "Clear" braces are NEVER this clear!!  Curse you fake advertising!!

Well I had a pretty good track record with cavities, until I moved to a new city. It must be something with the city water, but a few cavities popped up within months.   I decided to nip it in the bud and get them filled.  Everything went relatively fine.  I had 2 fillings in one sitting and very little pain.  A few weeks later I was having sensitivity. I waited it out as long as I could before I decided to go back to my dentist.  The Dr. pointed out my biggest fear: root canal. Imagine him saying it in slow motion like "Bueller" and it's a lot more funny.

So... I got a root canal. The Dr. said it was an easy procedure based on my roots so no need to go to and Endodontist. Well, that didn't work out as planned.  I went back 2 times saying I still had pain. He kept attaching that bad-ass dental damn and "going in."

This gets very uncomfortable after an hour.

 Fail. He sent me to the Endo. Let me point out that the cost of dentistry rises with the cost of living, so when you live in an expensive city, you have expensive dentists.  I totally maxed out my dental insurance so now I was actually paying to be in more pain - pure and simple hell.  So off I went to the Endo.  I am not there 30 seconds when he conducted the "cold test" which is basiclly putting a frozen peice of metal on your tooth to see if you can feel it.  Tested the "root canaled-tooth," no feeling. Tested the tooth NEXT TO the root canaled-tooth, screaming bloody agony. I needed another root canal in the next tooth!  Yes, that's a second root canal, although by this point I had already had 3 "tries" on the first one.  The next 2 weekends were dedicated to more dental dams and lots of suction. (Hey, get your head out of your ass.  I mean that little suction tube that hangs out of your mouth to keep the drool to a minimum.)  Total, it was more like 5 in 3 weeks instead of 2 clean procedures.  I know what you're thinking: did they root canal the wrong tooth? Well, we will never know, but I will tell you something. I found a new dentist and he is awesome. 

Just Faux Fun Friday

You might remember this post and Just Faux Fun - my mom's Faux painting business. So it's firday and just Faux Fun, here are a few funnies.

This is the lady who gives the traffic.  She say's things like "heavens to Besty."  What does that even mean? Until a couple months ago, she would report out of a shell of a car. She annoys me.

I love this clip of Marel the Shell.  The voice is so cute!!

This is the CUTEST child ever!  Lucy and her scarf.  I found it stalking around on people's blogs. It makes me want to go adopt a child tomorrow. I think you will love it. She's likes it kind of funky, you kow!

Have a great weekend!

Listen to Your Elders - Child Rearing

Little boys are gross.  Don't argue with me on this. They are.  They pick their noses, play in the dirt and usually refuse to bathe.  They also have potty mouths. Once they learn the words, butt and fart it's all over. The parents diginty that is.  So my parents decided not to take it and came up with a pretty brilliant plan when my brother was younger.  They somehow convinced my brother that fart wasn't a real word and fluffer was the correct terminology.   That way he could scream fluffer-face at the top of his lungs at the grocery, and my mom didn't have to hide her face. And he did.

The amazing thing is he convinced his friends that fluffer was the word too.  He told them their parents had lied and this lasted for years.. YEARS.  It wasn't until he was 7 years old that one of my older cousins set him straight.

Weekend Recap - NYC

We went to New York this past weekend to visit the fam and had a great time.  New York must have known we've been on the skids, b/c she really brought it this weekend. The weather was amazing, not too much traffic, wonderful dinner in Little Italy.  Well done, NYC.  I like it.  I had my first experience with a New York Beach.  We went to Brighton and it was lovely.  Again, I think the weather had a lot to do with it because this was our view at the beach.

I also saw a lot of sock/sandal combos.
My parents were in town for a wedding so we met them for dinner on Saturday in Little Italy - ate at Angelinos on Mulberry.  It was amazing.  No, I did not take a picture of my food to show you.  But I will give a quick shout out to my brother and future SIL for the amazing food at the cookout on Sunday.

The highlight of my mother's weekend.  I'm pretty sure it was getting her picture taken with the half naked men standing outside the Hollister store in SoHo.  How did she get the picture, you ask?  She had my Dad take it.  Cougar?  I think so.

Volunteer FAIL

So, as I stated last week, I love animals.  I am totally a dog person, but I embrace cuteness from all species.  Last week, as I was walking home from CVS, I saw a little bird taking a bath in a water puddle and found myself talking to it in a voice 2 octives higher than normal.  I said, "OOOoooo, Look at you!"  That seems to be my go-to phrase when I see anything cute.  Of course when you say it to a dog, they get all excited. Hence the reason I love dogs.

How can you not love the little wiggles?!

I was feeling a lack of canine companionship after I moved so I looked into volunteering at an animal shelter.  I did this in college and after college and just loved it.  I would just go when I had free time and play with the dogs, walk them, wash them, whatever was needed.  I even pets some cats. - Can you tell I am not the biggest cat fan?  I just don't like that I never know what they are thinking.
Back to the story. I found a local animal shelter and online there was a volunteet application form, very formal.  I had to fill it out with a short essay as well as the times I was willing to volunteer. It seemd like a lot, but I still wanted to do it.  So with application in hand I went down to the shelter and turned in my application.  I listed my availabilities as one evening a week and one weekend a month - pretty decent considering I have a full time job, no?
I went home and waited.
A few days later I got an email from the shelter.
Dear Ms.True Story,
Thank you for your interest in _____ Shelter.  We regret to inform you that your volunteer avialability does not meet our needs.  We thank you for your continued support and hope you will contact us when your schedule opens up.

I'm sorry, what?  Did you just tell me you DON'T need me to volunteer at your non-profit animal shelter? You don't need/want me because I am offering only 10-20 hours of my time per month? Yes.  That happened. I was rejected.  I will not name the shelter because I fear ferocious backlash from the loyal follower(s) of this blog.  That's you. Mom. Are you there?

The good news?  I joined Junior League and am busy busy with being a recruitment specialist because I NEVER want someone to feel like their time and willingness to serve is un-apprecaited. If you want to volunteer your time, Junior League will  give you something to do.

Going to NYC

We're headed up to Brooklyn this weekend to see my family. Now, like I've explained, I was born in New Jersey and moved to Nashville when I was in lower school so I consider myself more southern than northern. My brother however, has spent more time in New Jersey and has that northern accent.  We definitely don't sound like we were raised in the same household.  He introduced me to this video a few months ago, and I can't get enough!!!  My family is not like this, but I know there are a lot of families that are and I love them for it! 

I hope to hear some more of this this weekend! You gotta see the tree!!

Cuteness

Have you ever been to Cuteoverload.com?  Well, it's bookmarked on my computer.  Not only do I get a dose of cuteness everyday online, but I have the calendar. That's 365-days of cute pictures.  My favorites are plastered on my cubicle.  Yup, I'm that girl.  The hen in the office that doesn't have any pets so I just coo and squeal at the cuteness of pictures and videos of others pets.

This one is adorable! 

This one is one of my favs too!  Too much cuteness!!

Because I am that desperate. Send me your favs.

Wardrobe Malfunctions

We have all had our share of regrets when it comes to clothing choices.  For me, there's that outfit I wore to me very first dance.  I was 12 and 2 months into a new school.  My mom and I thought long and hard about what I would wear.  We decided to go classic: ivory pleated knee skirt, ivory tights, ivory Sam and Libby shoes (you know, the flats with the bow), a navy Limited Too sweater adorned with the American flag, and a white turtleneck.  Classic, elegant, clueless.

Who didn't have a pair of these in the 90s?

Have you ever had a malfunction?  I have.  A few years ago, I was with friends in Memphis for the weekend.  It was summer, so it was hotter that Hades so I dressed accordingly; white shorts, cute silk spaghetti strap top, and heels.  We were at dinner when I noticed the state of one of the straps on my shirt.  It seemed a little... stressed.  Seeing that I was in denial that spaghetti straps could hold my "girls," I thought, 'maybe I'll have my Mom look at this when I get home.'
Fast forward to a few hours later, and we were at Raiford's. I can't get into it now, but Raiford's deserves its own post for all of you who have never heard of it. Ok, real quick, here's your snapshot: White leather couches, smoke, light up dance floor, and nothing but 40s of beer.  So we're at Raiford's, dancing like rock stars, when it happened.  Yup, that poor spaghetti strap that was holding on for dear like broke... and my boob popped out.  There it was.  My girlfriend, being the awesome friend that she is, immediately covered me and we went to the bathroom.

I believe this is Raiford himself. 

It was at least 2 a.m., so our critical thinking skills were definitely sub-par at this point.  My friend did her best at some quick thinking. "I have some gum. I can chew it and use it as a sticky." -- This isn't a leaky faucet, this is a C-cup.  "I have a tampon. Can we use that to tie it together or something?" --I have just embarrassed myself by "exposing" myself at a bar, a tampon tied to my shirt is the last thing I need right now.  We ended up leaving the bar of course, party foul (me) had no way to fix my situation.  There is a classic picture from the cab ride on the way home of 2 of my friends, and there in the corner, you can see my shoulder and the strap about 2 inches north of the top of the shirt.  Even though my mom did end up fixing the shirt, I could never bring myself to wear it again. I was to scared of a repeat.

Well, they say it's your Birthday....

I just want to say Happy Birthday to one of my very best, dearest, and oldest friends!  Yes, she was born on Flag Day so that gives us all a reason to celebrate!  She's not the only one who has a birthday today and you know who you are!  Love to you all!!!

Now for a shameless plug for birthday girl #1, an amazing actress! Enjoy!

Confessions from my teens

We all have regrets or embarrassing moments from our teen years. I look back with a lot of embarrassment regarding things I did / wore as a teen. Let’s take a walk down memory lane and recall these mistakes, shall we?

My first car: BMW 325i Convertible. It was the cutest car ever! And before you get all judgy, let me say it was a 1988 and had 150k+ miles. It was well past it prime and the roof leaked when it rained but it was the best little car and so easy to drive, I just loved it.

My confession: I had this sticker on the back for a while.

What a spoiled brat? At least I think that’s what I wanted people to think. Hey, I was 16, what can you do?

In a completely opposite direction, my friend had this bad boy.

It was adorned with these bears.

Let me just tell you, I thought it was awesome even though I had no idea these bears were associated with the Grateful Dead and I still can’t name one Grateful Dead song.
She also had this.

Amazing! Love it! And yes, we would roll around town listening to Master P – Bourbons and Lacs. Ahh, memories!

Blame it on the...

Although I do enjoy my bubbly, I am not a big drinker. Don’t get me wrong, I have had my fair share of drunken nights with beer funnels and flip cup, but to be honest; I am just not a fan. Now, if Kool-Aid was what alcohol tasted like, I would most definitely have a drinking problem. Well it seems like I am not alone in this sentiment and a brand called Firefly now makes sweet tea vodka. Have you heard of it? I think it’s relatively new.
I have not tired it, but I hear it delicious! I hear it so delicious in fact that you can’t tell you’re drinking alcohol.

Some friends were at a wedding a few weeks ago and they were serving this beverage along with regular sweet tea in mason jars (adorable!) but neither was labeled. Well, the hosts realized that was a mistake when an 8 year old got sloshed! Poor girl didn’t know she was drinking alcohol!! EEK! I do not endorse underage drinking, but I do endorse drinks that taste like sweet tea.

 Doesn't that look refreshing?!

Just Faux Fun

Back in the 90s my Mom got into faux painting. You know, it involved a lot of sponges, crinkled paper and other items to make regular paint look fancy.  She was really good at it after perfecting her skill in several rooms of our house. After seeing our house, some friends contracted my Mom to do some work in their houses.  Being an entrepreneurial business woman, my Mom made business cards!  The name of her little business?  You guessed it, Just Faux Fun!

So with that back story, just faux fun, here are a few goodies I found online that are just that!

Get a new phone! 

I know the picture is small, but it's a bobble head Alan from the Hangover!!

Get a Honey Badger shirt!  If you haven't seen the honey badger you tube video, you must.

I have so much to say

My husband and I have a great sushi place near our home, Bonsai Sushi.  Don't sushi places have the best names? And the names of the rolls, Spider, Rock 'n Roll, Kabuki... Where did these names come from?

Next to Bonsai Sushi is a cute gay bar called Freddie's Beach Bar.  The restaurants in our neighborhood are so close together, you can literally eat off the plate of the table at the next restaurant. Freddie's is so fun-looking; there are palm covered umbrellas on the patio with those lawn-ornament flamingos and rainbows galore. So one day were sitting outside at Bonsai Sushi, enjoying the nice weather and music coming from Freddie's, when a bus load of people were dropped off at Freddie's.

The restaurant filled up pretty quickly and soon the patio was full.  Since we were so up-close and personal, we could hear every conversation on our and Freddie's patio.  Therefore, I was eavesdropping.  Don't pretend you don't do it too when you think someone is having an interesting conversation.  There was one group that seemed especially lively.  So there I was, listening to this group from the bus get to know others on the patio.  I was wondering, 'who is this group?  If they got off a bus to went to a gay bar so this should be interesting.' Then I heard it.  One of the group said, "Oh yes, we're here for the International Gay and Lesbian Country Line Dancing Association's Annual Conference." O.M.G. Did I just hear that?  Do they really have an association for this?  I looked at my husband and said, "I have so much to say."

I did a little research and this association does exist! It's otherwise known as IAGLCWDC, proving that for any interest you may have in this life, there are others who share your interest and there is probably an association!  I encourage you to find your interest and associate!  I'm on my search for the Online Sale Shopping and Ice Cream Lovers Association (OSSICLA). Who's with me?

I mustache you something

Do you get it? Mustache = must ask!  Clever, I know.  Well, I am a fan of the mustache and it seems a lot of people have jumped on the band wagon. You can get anything mustache related on Etsy too!

This necklace - Oh La la

 I love this little number! 

I had a holiday party and forced my co-workers and their dates to wear mustaches last year, so when it was time to have a going away party for one of them, I knew I had to incorporate the 'stache.

These were definite winners from Fred Flare.

So here it is, my mustache cake.  When I brought it out I said, "We mustache you not to leave."  Lame?  Funny? That's your call.  I enjoyed it! 

The cake was a Pina Colada Cake from this site and it was amazing!

Want to get your own 'stache goodies?  Fred Flare and Urban Outfitters have classic funnies!  

Commit to the Lie (Part 2)

As I stated in my previous post, I do not condone lying, I just think sometimes its better to keep your mouth shut. So, story number 2. I must note I have changed the names of the subjects of this story to protect the innocent and/or guilty. You decide.
So my *cousin, Hank was dating this girl, Ester. (Where did I come up with these names? I should have used my fav – Bettina Batista.) So they lived in a city and only lived a few blocks from each other which was great, because we all know how hard it is when you are dating someone and they might live on the other side of the city, which might be only 5 miles, but can take and hour to get to. I digress. Things were going well and Hank and Ester saw each other often. As Hank would have it, a little too often. He just needed a break so he could lounge around, be a slob, hang out with his guy friends and not see Ester. Now in my opinion, if you need a break from someone you aren’t even living with, you may want to re-think the entire relationship, but that’s just me.
So Hank decided to tell Ester that he had to go on a business trip for a week. Ester was a little sad since she would be sans-boyfriend for a week, but she was ok with it. They talked every day and Hank told her about the work he was doing and they texted, etc. Except here’s the thing: Hank didn’t go out of town. He just hung out 3 blocks away at his apartment for a week.
His “return” home came after a week and Ester called Hank to say she had missed him so much that she wanted to pick him up at the airport. Hank said that wasn’t necessary, he would just grab a cab, but Ester insisted. OK. Stop. Here’s where the commitment to the lie comes into play. Instead of coming clean and saying, “I haven’t been out of town, I just didn’t want to see you for a week,” which surely would have ended the relationship. He packed a suitcase with his dirty laundry, hopped in a cab and went to airport. Imagine the cabbie’s confusion when Hank told him to drop him and his luggage off at arrivals. A $30 cab ride later, Hank called Ester to come pick him up. I don’t think Ester ever found out about this. But my question is what would you do? Take it from either side. If you were Hank, would you come clean? If you were Ester, and Hank did come clean, would you forgive and forget or kick his a**?

*Not really my cousin.

Commit to the Lie (Part 1)

Look, before you get all judgmental on me, just hear me out on this. I don’t condone lying (lieing? laying?), but there are certain circumstances where it is more beneficial to just commit to the lie than to come clean with the truth. I have 2 such stories. Let’s start with my story, shall we?
There I was, a sophomore in college rocking an awesome fake ID. I had gotten it from a friend’s sister and we had the same first name. That is KEY. One time a bouncer was suspicious and asked my friend what my name was, thinking she would default to my actual name and not the one on what he thought was a fake ID. She immediately said my name and BAM – no exes on my hands, drinks for all! Ok, that’s not the story. I just got a little sidetracked.
Back to it. I’m thinking I’m pretty hot sh*t due to my fake so I am designated as the alcohol purchaser. No big deal, it works in bars and gas stations, and those awesome beer drive-thrus the wonderful people in Ohio operate. Why wouldn’t it work in a liquor store? Right? So I go in with my list of orders of only to finest in alcoholic beverages: Franzia boxed wine, Zima, Bacardi 151, you know, classy stuff.

White Zin in a box screams, "I'm over 21." No?

I get in line and see this guy I had a crush on and I’m all, “Oh hey! What are you up to tonight? Oh me, well you know, I have to buy everyone’s alcohol. We’re going to pre game at our place and then head up town.” (Pretending it’s such a chore, but secretly feeling awesome.) So I get up to the front of the line and the woman behind the cash register checks my things and then of course says, “Can I see your ID?” Of course you can ma’am. Here you go! As I glance at my crush so he knows, yes, I am really doing this. Then I hear it. She says my REAL birthday out loud! What? That can’t be right. The one on the fake says 1978, not 1982. WTH? I look at my wallet and realize I still have the fake ID.
I gave her my real ID.
Now I am going to be embarrassed in front of the 10 people in line behind me, my crush, and I will have to tell my friends in the car I was unsuccessful in purchasing our “party favors.” I am literally a deer in the headlights. No hiding. I just stood there. She reads my birth date again, then turns around to the MASSIVE sign behind the register that says, “If you were born after January 21, 1982, you cannot buy alcohol in this state.” (Remember, I am a summer baby and still 20 at this time.) I am about to lose my cool and just grab my ID and leave when she shrugs her shoulders and says, “This new year really messes up my math.” O.M.G. she is actually going to sell me this alcohol! She must have figured, no self-respecting person would actually give someone at a liquor store an underage ID. In my head I am screaming with excitement thinking, pay the lady and get the hell out of there. Pay the lady and get the hell out of there. No, don’t even wait for the change, just GET OUT!!
As I left the store I still had the deer in the headlight look on my face. I got in the car with my friends and said, “We must get out of here immediately before that lady realizes she just sold Mad Dog 20/20 to a minor. We also must find a new liquor store to go to from now on.”

So in this case, committing to the lie worked for me. I was 2.5 seconds away from caving and telling the truth, but I didn’t and it worked. Use this as a lesson for your kids, no need to thank me. Another story on committing to the lie coming soon!

My 9th/10th Birthday

As a child, there are a few birthdays that we count as "important."  Let's be honest a lot of them blend together. When you turn 13, the first of the teens, thats a big deal; then there's, 16 - the year of independence, as I like to call it; 18- the year of the marlboro.  But before those birthdays, there is 10 - Double Digits, I feel like a grown up now, T-E-N.  As least, that's how I saw my 10th birthday.

Let me back up, my birthday is around Labor day, along with every other child that was conceived around the Christmas/New Years time.  In New Jersey, school started after Labor Day, so my birthday was usually one of the last weekends of summer.  Therefore, we usually celebrated at the Shore (Yes, my grandparents had a house on the Jersey shore, more on that in another post.) with a big Labor Day celebration on the beach.  Apparently for a few years, they just let me think the entire thing was an actual party for me.

Back to my 10th Birthday.  So that year, my parents had a lot on their mind.  They had decided to move us to Nashville, TN, but decided to wait to tell us after the summer was over.  We didn't spend my birthday at the beach that year.  Instead we had a pool party at our house complete with ice cream cake because back then, that was all you needed to make a kick ass party.  No custom invitations, or themes, or party planner; just 25 kids, a pool and some Carvel Ice Cream cake.  As a self-centered now-10 year old, I HAD to open my presents as soon as I woke up in the morning.  So there I was, in my favorite chair, because, hey it's my birthday, opening my first present.  Oh my, a book on horses!! I LOVE HORSES!! How awesome!! (Yes, because back then, real live books with pictures of horses were awesome. No wii horseback riding game -Does that exist? It should-, no real live pony or horseback riding lessons, just a cool book on horses.  I opened the book, to read the note from my parents and there it was: "Happy 9th Birthday! Love Mom and Dad"

My first book about horses

I read it to myself, then I read it out loud, then I read it out loud again.  Then I looked at them and said, "But I'm 10 today." How did this happen?  How could they overlook DOUBLE DIGITS??  My mom's face dropped and all she could say was, "Oh sh*t, the cake."  A few hours later, as my classmates sang the happy birthday song, my mom held the cake, still wonky from where she scratched off the 9, that just said, "Happy ___ Birthday!

I still have the book, it's in my room at my parents house and on the inside there is the note, with the 9 with a big / through it and a 10 written on top and a little note "what a boob your mom is ;)"

Not sure if this is clear or not, but here it is!

I'm sorry to my wonderful parents, that this little story makes them look bad. But I can't make this up.